apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
