I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
The best revenge is premature balding
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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