Swine flu. Run for my life!
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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