All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
you win again, gameday.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
