you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
