Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
