i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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