I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
