Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
