i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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