sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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