textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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