wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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