i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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