ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
