oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
