I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
