Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
