It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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