So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
