I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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