I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
