I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
