You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
