I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
