Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize