i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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