actually, I'm a sock model
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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