I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
