i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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