Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize