Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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