we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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