My underwear smells like fireworks.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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