Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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