Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize