the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
