you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
