I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I love you.
Bad choice
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
