Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
