I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
