Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
