watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
