I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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