I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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