A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I enjoy the company of your penis
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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