Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
