I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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