Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
