You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
