Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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