Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
