Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
