Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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