I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
